Making a list and not checking it twice
Getting from overdoing to what matters
…your head is full of silly little thoughts and worries…What can you do about this? I write them down straight away on a yellow sticky note on my desk. Then I can forget about them. Once you start chasing away any distracting thoughts, you’ll discover, just like in meditation, that the longer you sit there, the more your mind slows and calms down and settles. Once that starts to happen you can begin to focus. — John Cleese
This is a season for many things. Things we have to do by tomorrow. By the next meeting. By the end of the quarter. By the holidays. By the end of the year.
Particularly for mothers, we carry a particularly heavy load during this season. It’s not “just the usual” — work, school, friends, family. It’s the holiday card. It’s holiday events. It’s decorating. It’s gifts. It’s multiple nights of holiday breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. It’s the extended family. It’s co-workers and the holiday party at work. It’s instilling values through giving and service. It’s honoring traditions and creating new ones. My shoulders are up around my ears as I write this.
With so much to do, I notice that I can go into hyderdrive and take it a few steps further: I overdo.
And I don’t really like overdoing anymore.
One benefit of being a recovering perfectionist is that I notice the frequency of my perfectionist tendencies. Guess what I noticed? Overdoing is perfectionism wearing a wig and some glasses. She might be dressed differently, but there she is with the same push to compare and prove. Behind that disguise are familiar tropes:
Something has to be done.
It has to be done in a very specific way.
It has to be done now.
It should look like it does on commercials and Instagram.
It is only good, enough, good enough, or - wait for it - perfect (!) based on how it compares to others.
My shoulders are still pretty close to my ears. Why? Because it is hard to notice our own behaviors and to question them. In doing so, we acknowledge something is not working. While that might feel defeating, critical, or defensive, it could also be a gift (to continue with the holiday theme): curiosity about what else is possible.
And there are possibilities: possibilities that might include collaboration, ease and rest, more or less money, more or less time, simplicity, experiences, learning. Already, perfectionism is seated somewhere else at the table because there’s more than one perfect way.
To figure out what’s possible, we need to make space. In his sweet and helpful book, On Creativity, John Cleese - actor, comedian, writer - shares a marvelously simple practice: write down the things that are busy in your head. And then (this is the genius bit), forget about them.
That seems less simple. Let’s break it down:
Get it out: There’s a lot in our heads and right now, the only thing we have to do is list them. All of them. I mean it. Don’t try to tackle the list. Don’t try to prioritize the list. Don’t try to shorten the list. Don’t question the list. Don’t judge the list. We are simply making the list. Just get it out.
Put the list away. John Cleese tells us to forget the list. My interpretation is that you can put the list away. Put it in a drawer, or close the notebook, or close the app.
Close your eyes. Once you have completed step one and two, pause. Close your eyes. Give yourself just one moment to pause and breathe.
Now what? Good question. Now that it is all out of your head, captured on a piece of paper, and you’ve taken a moment - notice the space. You’ve given yourself the gift of space and you can decide how to use it! There are possibilities such as using the space to discern, to prioritize, to choose.
Is it really that simple? Yes. Making a list, not checking it twice, and taking a breath is an important service in our effort to stop overdoing. Step one acknowledges that the list of things to do is there. We are honoring that we have things to do. We aren’t pretending otherwise! Step two clears the way for whatever comes next. Step three lets air in. We, as Cleese points out, can start to focus. We can start to slow down and see more clearly.
To get from overdoing to doing what matters, we we can ask ourselves:
What am I hoping to get from doing this next thing?
Is this something that is important to me?
Is this something important for me right now?
Still feeling overwhelmed. You are not alone. What should you do? What should you do first? What should you do right now?
Pause.
Let’s take a breath on that.