True confessions of a recovering perfectionist

The Wicked Witch (aka - the Inner Critic) and her offspring, Perfectionism and Imposter Syndrome

"Almost all of the people I look up to and try to steal from today, regardless of their profession, have built sharing into their routine....instead of maintaining absolute secrecy and hoarding their work, they’re open about what they’re working on, and they’re consistently posting bits and pieces of their work, their ideas, and what they’re learning online.” - Austin Kleon, Show Your Work

I’m going to start with a confession: I’m a perfectionist. There…I said it. My perfectionism looks a lot like my younger self: comparing myself to others in the mirror at the ballet studio, looking for an A on an assignment, recognition with a penchant for competitiveness, and fear of failure.

I say this in the spirit of acknowledgement, grace, and recovery. Perfectionism may always have a seat at my table. My practice is to see her, graciously acknowledge her, and resume chatting with another dinner guest.

For years, I led leadership development sessions that always included a lengthy section on “overcoming barriers”. That session began with identifying barriers. “We can’t overcome what we don’t know is in the way,” I’d say. Heads nod. Sticky notes out, people list barriers on sticky notes, going for quantity. There are many. Perfectionism is one of my barriers. And it has been rearing its head lately. It has been pressing on my shoulders when I try to write. It has been clenching my teeth. It has been telling me I need to buy something or look something up on Facebook or do a load of laundry. Anything but putting an idea out because it could be….criticized. Misunderstood. Bad. “Better to hold that close to your chest, Sar. Don’t share it in case they don’t like.”

Up until now, that voice has been winning.

And then I read Austin Kleon’s book, Show Your Work.

The way that Kleon contrasts “hoarding” and “sharing” spoke to me: I am not a hoarder. I pride myself on sharing: sharing freely, often, openly. My entire career up until now was built on sharing information. The iterative nature of his description of sharing also reminded me of the cousin to perfectionism: imposter syndrome. These two are the product of the Wicked Witch known as the “Inner Critic.” These are all characters that we know: the ones that tell us we’re not good enough, that we should settle, that we have nothing of value to add, etc, etc. etc.

But here’s the thing: I do have something of value to add. And I keep wishing something would happen where I could share it.

What is that something?

I am that something.

And I know better. I know not to let “best get in the way of better.” I know that feedback makes things better. I know that this is a thought, not a commandment written in stone. I know this. So…..

Rather than critique myself out of ever sharing what I have to add, I’m going to go another way. And that way is here - on the page.

I’m going to share. I’m going to be transparent. And messy. And honest. And poorly punctuated.

Will you read this? Will you share it? Will this post matter? I don’t know.

But Austin goes on to say in his gem of a book, “In order to be found, you have to be findable.”

So here we are: beginning. Imperfectly. Uncertainly.

But it’s a start.

You know here to find me.