The meanest dog you'll ever meet
Quieting doubt with self-compassion and strategy.
The bravest step is one in your head and heart, not in the office, role, or bank account.
- Jamie Varon
Meanest dog you’ll ever meet -
It ain’t the hound dog in the street.
He bares his teeth and tears your skin
But brother, that’s the worst of him.
The dog you really got to dread
Is the one that howls inside your head.
It's him whose howling drives men mad
And a mind to its undoing.- “Hermes”, Anais Mitchell, Hadestown
Doing new things - whether at work, at home, with colleagues, with family, with friends, or on your own - comes with a learning curve. What does “learning curve” mean? It can certainly mean that we are operating outside of our comfort zone. It can mean that that the “Mis-ses” show up: mis-takes, mis-steps, mis-understandings.
When that happens, we often enter a less than comfortable space where we feel vulnerable and uncertain. The “Mis-ses” are many. That can lead to a dark and vicious place where the inner critic is on repeat. For me, this is where I can become convinced that I am doing it wrong: I’m not writing the right way, I’m not offering the right things, I’m not specific enough in my asks. I’m not doing anything right.
I know this space well. And it is not nice there. It is a space of fear. It is a space where it feels easier to give up than to push on. It is a space where I wonder what on earth am I doing and tell myself that I shouldn’t try to do this. It’s too hard. It’s too much. I can’t.
Do you know this space too?
I bet you do.
I bet we all do.
Let me say that again: I bet we all do. Rest assured, you are not alone.
What do we do in those moments? How do we appease the dog “that howls inside our head,” to quote Hermes from Anais Mitchell’s phenom Hadestown?
If you aren’t in the know, Hadestown is a musical telling of Orpheus and Eurydice. It is intoxicating for many reasons but for the purposes of this post, I find the intense clarity with which Mitchell gives voice to doubt its greatest gift. In Hadestown, it is not Eurydice or Hades that Orpheus doubts - it is himself. Who is he to lead the way? Who is he to have all that his heart desires? Who is he to be loved? That doubt is his “undoing.”
Dealing with self-doubt is daunting and difficult. What can we do in those dark moments of doubt? Let me offer two options, one that is rooted in self-compassion and one that is rooted in strategy.
Option 1: The powerful pause. The pause brings a great gift — space. Space to see things a little differently. Space to connect to ourselves. Space to calm down and breathe. Simply putting a hand to our hearts gives us space to acknowledge that we are having doubts.
I practice this by speaking (often aloud) to myself the way I would speak to my daughter. It goes something like this: “It’s ok, sweetheart. Let’s learn from it and then let it go. Let it go downstream.” That kind and gentle approach reminds me that I am human, that I am open to learning, and that I can let this go. It soothes me and encourages me at the same time. I breathe. I breathe again. And I go on.
Option 2: Scenario Planning. Perhaps, like me, you find joy and ease in preparedness. I often use a tool from my strategy tool belt: scenario planning. Scenario planning is much like it sounds: we plan for a range of scenarios. Range is important here: we want to plan for the very best through to the very worst. What would “the best” look like? How might this differ from “good”? From “acceptable?” From “worrisome”? From “worst”?
Some questions I’d pose here:
What resources do we need in these scenarios?
How available are those resources to me?
What outcomes would we anticipate from this scenario?
What growth opportunities arise from this scenario?
What risks are involved in it?
By shining a light onto these range of scenarios, they become less scary. They are more known. They become something other than scary - they become possibilities that we have thought about. We’re more ready than we were before.
One other thing I love about scenario planning is that it helps us think more deeply about what we have: what resources we have, what values we have, what goals we have.
Which option should you choose? The good news is that this is not a gameshow where you have to pick one option: you can pick both! Or one, then the other. Or one now, one later. You have choices.
Whichever option you choose, I’ll leave you with this thought: the doubt is giving you information. I’ve used this quote from Brianna Wiest before and I’m using it again: Fear is trying to scare you into staying small and keeping safe. If you can, see the doubts as information. Information that something is scaring you, pushing you, challenging you.
Maybe you are on to something.