London Calling

I've never travelled like this before.

Inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that is where I renew my springs that never dry up. - Pearl S. Buck

Children, set the table. Your mother needs a moment to herself. - Elizabeth Zott, Lessons in Chemistry

No post last week - I was on vacation in London. A 10 day trip. Four days on my own and six with my mom to celebrate her 80th birthday. The time with my mom flew by in contrast to the four on my own that were of a totally different pace. They surprised me. I surprised me.

It’s been a really long time since I went somewhere on my own with no plans. It was disorienting. Not London: I lived there as a child and have visited a number of times as an adult. It’s the city where I feel the most comfortable actually. No - I was disoriented by being on my own. By not having something to do for someone else: my family, my clients, my community. By doing what I want to do. I had to tell myself over and over: you can do whatever you want.

You can do whatever you want.

As I reflected on this in my morning pages, I asked “what comes up for me as I say this to myself?” I wrote:

• A small smile creeps across my lips as I listen for an answer.

• A twinge of guilt shows up: am I allowed to feel this pleasure? Am I allowed to enjoy this time? Am I allowed to feel this good without my family?

• A resounding yes rises from my heart - yes, you are allowed.

• Relief shows up. And gentleness shows up. And messiness. And quiet. And there’s a little sadness in the back of my heart space too.

All of those feelings showed up. There was not only one feeling.

Is there ever?

It’s “being allowed” that I’ve been sitting with since my mom arrived and now that I am home. I’m curious about having to coax permission out of me. Jet lagged as I am, I am sitting with, walking with, and writing with questions about permission.

• What does it mean to give permission? To myself? To others?

• What does permission feel like when it is received?

• In what ways do I seek permission?

• If permission is an authorization, in what ways do I look to authority for approval?

• How might I cultivate giving myself permission more often in my non-vacation life?

I’ve always admired the people that were trailblazers; those who didn’t seek permission but authorized themselves. This trip brought examples of that: while in London, we went to a show of Alice Neel’s paintings. On the way back from the UK, I read Lessons in Chemistry, a novel about a women in science who does not seek permission. The main character in Lessons in Chemistry has a tagline - “your mother needs a moment to herself.” That phrase reminded me of the very wise Iyanla Vanzant who says, “I gave myself permission to feel and experience all of my emotions. In order to do that, I had to stop being afraid to feel. In order to do that, I taught myself to believe that no matter what I felt or what happened when I felt it, I would be okay.”

These are just three immediate examples of women who I admire because they go their own way. In art. In science. In feeling. In conviction. What can I learn from their journey and their example? In what ways do I want to incorporate those qualities into my life and way of being?

I'll close this post with the wisdom of my wonderful BFF, who is an experienced traveler. I shared some of these reflections with her during my trip. She responded that this kind of time is “quiet, and if you like it, refreshing.” So true. It was quiet and refreshing. And I did like it. I was reminded I like being with myself. And that we have a lot to catch up on.