Have a seat
What to do when you don't know what to do
Believing in rom-communism is all about believing that everything's gonna work out in the end. Now these next few months might be tricky, but that's just 'cause we're going through our dark forest. Fairy tales do not start, nor do they end in the dark forest. That son of a gun always shows up smack-dab in the middle of a story. But it will all work out. Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out. Exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go. - Ted Lasso
We don’t have to figure out how all this works— “Figure it out” is not a good slogan. It’s enough to know it does. - Anne Lamott
With the #techlayoffs impacting so many people, I can’t help but think about how I have felt when I have been hit by shocking news. When I felt panic. When I felt fear. When I felt a total loss of control. When I didn’t know what was going to happen.
I know that it didn’t feel good to feel those things.
When things get difficult, what do you do?
Up until now, I had a tendency to actually over-do when things got difficult. That over-doing came from a place of fear that if I didn’t hurry up and do something, nothing would happen. I had to make it happen. Right now. Hurry up. Or else someone else will beat me to it — whatever “it” was. There’s not enough. Resources are scarce. I need to do something. Right now.
If you are reading this, I beg you to say no to that impulse.
That is fear talking. That is not you.
That is scarcity talking. That is uncertainty talking. That is not you.
If that’s not you, then what is?
Good question.
In the moments when fear, anger, uncertainty, instability, frustration, and hurt are trying to shove their way to the driver’s seat, it’s harder than usual to be curious and ask questions that give the wheel back to our better, even best, selves.
So what should do you do?
A wise friend gave me a really simple answer to this question. She said, “when you don’t know what to do, sit down.”
That’s it. Sit down. Without your phone. Without an agenda. Without a plan.
Have a seat.
What happens when you sit down? You will probably have an impulse to stand back up again. You are not alone. Stay there a little longer anyway. Stay put. Sit.
In that down time, maybe your gaze wanders. You see your cat or dog asleep on the couch. Maybe a book on the shelf catches your eye. Maybe you wonder if you’ll take a vacation like that wonderful one you took before and you remember it. Maybe you feel worried about what will happen next.
Ahhh….there it is. In the wandering, the question that you really want to know bubbles to the surface: what is going to happen?
The answer is I don’t know. And you neither do you. And you know what? That’s ok.
It will all work out.
Ted Lasso says it so brilliantly: “It will all work out. Now, it may not work out how you think it will or how you hope it does, but believe me, it will all work out. Exactly as it's supposed to. Our job is to have zero expectations and just let go.”
Let go? Will that pay the bills? Alleviate this stress? Find the next job?
Probably not. But neither will doom scrolling or freaking out! So if that behavior won’t lead to answers and it feels awful, let’s try something else.
Sit for a minute and plant that seed: It will all work out.
Say it again (maybe even out loud): It will all work out.
Put your hand of your heart and say it one more time: It will all work out.
What will?
You. Your life. It will look different than you planned. That’s ok. Different is ok. It will all work out.
Knowing that it will all work out, we can start to ask questions. We can start to explore possibilities. We can build a plan that is grounded, resourced, and even strategic.
From that calmer, centered place, ask yourself:
What do I have available to me?
What do I want?
What do I really want?
What do I need?
What can I do to take care of myself right now?
In what ways can I feel more stable and secure in this scary moment?
In what ways can I ask for help?
Masa Gong wrote a post this week that reminds us that we should be prepared for what might - what likely - will come next. Ultimately, the call to preparedness requires us to take inventory and identify what we might need when the next thing happens. It might seem like everything we need is “out there.”
Is that true? Or is that scarcity and fear popping in again to see if they can drive.
Start your inventory by asking: What do I already have and what do I need?
I love the way Masa Gong balances both practicality and wellness in her post. This is not just about externalities. This is a time to call in calmness, steadiness, and knowing in order to see you through a challenge.
Anne Lamott’s Help Thanks Wow has seen me through my own dark times. Her chapter on Thanks reminded me that we make choices about the stories we tell ourselves. She says, “Some of the stuff we imagine engages and connects and calls for the very best in us to come out. Other imaginings disengage us, and shut us down. My understanding is that you get to choose which of your thought to go with.”
We choose.
A breath on that.
We can’t control layoffs. We can’t control sudden tragedies. We can’t control what we can’t control. But we can control the stories we tell ourselves. We can control our reactions. We can control our actions.
We have a choice. Sit with that.