Avalanche Warning

Lessons in forgiveness from a blizzard

"Forgiveness is not weak. It takes courage to face and overcome powerful emotions." - Desmond Tutu

“There’s nothing wrong with forgiveness.” - Tami Taylor

No post last week because we were on a ski trip to Mammoth. Our family finds ski trips magical: time away from home, time together outside, hot cocoa, family snuggles, and a sense of adventure. Mammoth delivered this and more. Five feet of snow in two days kind of more. Snow banks as high as the buildings.

We were snowed in.

Getting five feet of snow in just a few days was a lot. I wish I could say I found it be wonderful. My anxiety kicked in though as I tried to address the excitement of the kids and the skiers, the logistics with the property manager, the concerns of other people with whom we were traveling, meal planning for us all in a grocery store that was quickly emptying out, procuring chains so we could drive around, and…..I’m sure there was more.

Despite my husband and friends doing an amazing job on the roads, in the house, and on the mountain, I did not feel amazing. I felt overwhelmed. Anxious. A little frightened. Insecure. As I said to my husband a few days later, “It was not my best moment.”

A breath on that.

Since we got home safely (thanks, Babe), I’ve been chipping away at my disappointment with myself. In a moment when the pressure notched up and the uncertainty came down as fast as the snow, I was not my best. Truth. I fell into old patterns and old behaviors. And I got buried there.

I could go on, berating myself about this. Feeling ashamed, disappointed, and angry. I’ve done that before.

Instead, I sat for a long time today thinking about self-compassion. I’ve been asking myself in what ways can I forgive myself?

The more I sit with this question, I notice:

• I didn’t ask “can I forgive myself”. It’s not a yes or no kind of question.

• Forgiving ourselves feels harder than forgiving others. I am harder on myself than I am on other people. A good reminder to be gentle with myself.

• Forgiveness is a choice. To forgive is to chose to let go of the hurt, disappointment, anger, and pain. And it is not a one time choice. It is a choice we face again and again when the hurt and anger comes back.

• Forgiveness is not an on-off switch. Once you forgive someone, the hurt does not suddenly disappear.

A little while ago, I did my second pass at my practice for self forgiveness. It looks like this: I stand in front of the mirror, look myself straight in the eye, and while rubbing my hand over my heart, I gently say to myself, “It’s ok, honey. I forgive you. Let’s learn from this. And let’s let it go.” Sometimes I have to say it a few times. Sometimes I have to try again later. It’s a process. Forgiveness is a process.

I find myself asking these questions as I go through this process:

• What does forgiveness feel like to you?

• When do you feel most open to forgive?

• What does it feel like to accept forgiveness?

• What can you learn from this?

• What can you do differently next time?

• What can you use to remember this alternative?

• How might you create space for yourself in triggering moments?

As I write this, I can feel a change. A softening. A relief. An easing. As I write, I notice that as I offer myself forgiveness, I also offer myself hope. Hope for next time.

I hope that next time, I can find my breath.

I hope that next time, I can ask for more help.

I hope that next time, I can see the problem with more perspective and curiosity.

I hope that next time, I can let things unfold in their own time rather than pressing and forcing.

I hope that next time, I listen to my husband when he reminds me that everything is better outside.

I hope that next time, I lift my heart.

I hope that next time, I see the adventure.

I hope that next time, I see my line (to use ski speak).

I hope.